Lists

Things That Should Not Be Heard During Sex

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
But everybody looks funny naked!
You woke me up for that?
Did I mention the video camera?
Do you smell something burning?
Try breathing through your nose.
A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
But whipped cream makes me break out.
Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
Can you please pass me the remote control?
Do you accept Visa?
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
So much for mouth-to-mouth.
Try not to leave any stains, okay?
Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
Do you get any premium movie channels?
Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
Got any penicillin?
But I just brushed my teeth...
Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
I want a baby!
So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
Why am I doing all the work?
Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
I think you have it on backwards.
When is this supposed to feel good?
You're good enough to do this for a living!
Is that blood on the headboard?
Did I remember to take my pill?
Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
I wish we got the Playboy channel...
That leak better be from the waterbed!
I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
No, really... I do this part better myself!
This would be more fun with a few more people..
You're almost as good as my ex!
Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
You look younger than you feel.
Perhaps you're just out of practice.
You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
Now I know why she dumped you...
Does your wife own a sawed-off shotgun?
What tampon?
Have you ever considered liposuction?
I have a confession...
Are those real or am I just behind the times?
Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
Is that a hanging sculpture?
Did I mention my transsexual operation?
Did you come yet, dear?
I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
Does this count as a date?
Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
Hic! I need another beer for this please.
I think biting is romantic- don't you?
When would you like to meet my parents?
Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off.
Do you have a light?
Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Rottweiler.
Sorry but I don't do toes!
You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
Keep it down, my father is a light sleeper...
I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
Is this a sin too?
Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
Long kisses clog my sinuses...
Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
You mean you're NOT my blind date?